is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
