Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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