I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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