Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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