You made me cry and you don't even care
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
