Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
