come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
