His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
