I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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