News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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