You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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