I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
