She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
