Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
