So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
