Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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