apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
