when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
this is an emotional support booty call
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
