my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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