God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
