Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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