Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
