I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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