I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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