my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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