mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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