So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
