i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
