HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The Olympian is in my bed
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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