as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dicks are not precious.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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