I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
