Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
