the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
