Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
