the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Congratulations! We have a period
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
