Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
