sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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