You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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