my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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