Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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