I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
