I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
