Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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