my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
