Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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