Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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