i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
