I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
