just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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