I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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