we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i drank out of a bidet.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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