My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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