an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
