He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
