my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
